No, this isn't the Grand Prix on ITV, and I'm not Murray Walker.
This is Big Blogger 2007, and I'm a fabulous disembodied head with a loud booming voice (yay!).
So a warm welcome to one and all, big and small, tall and short, intelligent and stupid, and beautiful and just plain disgusting. And that's just Spanish Goth! You're all lovely, some of you smell quite nice, and there are at least two of you that I wouldn't hesitate inviting to one of my special barbecues.
So let's review what's happened so far.
After entering the house to a loud cacophany of boos, whistles, and starlings mating, everyone seems to have settled into a safe routine of sorts.
Bob, Joseph, Anx and Clare have cordoned off the pool using Bob's collection of antique neckerchiefs, and are to be found comparing wrinkles and arses while Little Blogger slides the occasional tray of drinks to them from under the nearby hedge.
Meanwhile, Spanish Goth and Tippler have somehow broken into Big Blogger's secret stash and are making right tits of themselves on a formidable cocktail of Domestos, rum and coke.
Everyone else is barricaded in the bedroom well out of harms way, and are passing the time comparing shoes, lipgloss and other assorted items of makeup. Currently it has been decided that Penfold has the most efficient mascara in the house, but the assessing continues.
Each blogmate has kindly been allowed to bring a small suitcase, one special item, and a wee prize for the eventual winner with them into the house. If they need anything else then they'll have to ask Little Blogger because frankly I'm way too busy and important for that kind of rubbish.
Speaking of which, let's get down to business!
HUSH NOW BLOGMATES! BIG BLOGGER IS SPEAKING!
Your first task in the Big Blogger house is as follows:
"Please introduce yourself to the watching public in whichever way you see fit.
Please be sure to spare no detail and include information on the attire you entered the house in, the things you brought in your suitcase, what qualities you will be bringing to the house, what your persona in the house will be like and anything in particular that the viewers should be looking out for.
Finally tell us about the prize you will be giving to the winner and why you have selected it.
You have until midnight on Sunday to complete this task. If you could all end your post with your name so that the viewers know who has written it."
If anyone has any problems posting then please email BB.
Big Blogger would also appreciate it if each housemate would email him a dinky little picture of themselves so that he can pop it in the sidebar. If you don't I will find random pictures of footballers, bowls of petunias, and large scaly animals to represent you. Just so you know, like.
There will be no eviction this week.