What am I wearing? What am I wearing? Um... something
brightly-coloured and designed to conceal my fat whilst also showing my
cleavage which I think looks utterly fabulous but is actually a bit
embarrassing and needs ironing and has a chocolate sauce stain on the
left elbow and makes me look like a middle-aged hippie trying to look
young.
And what have I brought in with me, for myself and as a prize for the winner?
For me, I have a Scrabble set.
I will make you all play with me, but I will always win by a million
points and then get annoyed with you for not providing me with a decent
contest. If anyone beats me at Scrabble, you will win your very own
prize, which is that I will shut up and listen to you talk for a whole hour without interrupting once.
There isn't much else in my suitcase. Apart from... a load of stuff
which I'm sure I might need, like stuff for warm weather, stuff for
cold weather, stuff for rainy weather, stuff for insects, stuff for
sunburn, stuff to hide under when the sun comes out (it makes me hot and
cross and squidgey), pills, potions and powders for every conceivable
medical complaint, a backup of my latest novel, several notebooks and pens,
some dope, some vodka, my multifunction Swiss Army penknife wot my dad
gave me for my 16th birthday and several strong plastic bags.
Oh, and some books wot I've been meaning to read: In The Line of Beauty by Alan Hollinghurst, Accordion Crimes by E Annie Proulx, Any Way You Want Me by Lucy Diamond, Slow Man by JM Coetzee, More Tales of the City by Armistead Maupin, The Life of Hunger by Amelie Nothomb.
And my prize for the winner... If I thought I could get away with it, I would donate a copy of my first novel.
But I probably can't, so instead, um, oh yes. A box of Thornton's
Continental. A big one. And then I can have some too. In fact... maybe
you better take it away from me now, or the prize may be an empty
chocolate box.
Comments
How do you deal with a cleavage that 'needs ironing'?
First there's Little Red Anna with her knees that may (but only MAY) be on her legs, now there's you with an elbow on your cleavage.
I am experiencing confusion (but gazing fixedly at your unironed cleavage until it goes away). The confusion, not the cleavage, that is (though I suppose it would be hard to stare at a cleavage once it had gone away).
Maybe this is all because you're scrunched up there under the U-bend (U-bend if you want to: the lady's not for bending).
Welcome to the home of Big Blogger 2007. For the next eight weeks or so we will be watching (well, reading) the housemates as they complete their tasks, eake out a meagre existence, and do everything in their power to convince you, the blogging public, that they should be the ones to win the title of Big Blogger 2007. Who will win? You decide... (I could swear I've heard that before somewhere.)
Click on this link if you require any further clarification. And in case anyone is still utterly confused, here are The Rules.
The Housemates
Check out all the freaky weirdos beautiful specimens we've caged up just for you - and all in the name of entertainment too!
And the newbies too:
The House
It's missing a library, a nail salon and a coffee bar, but other than that it's a design masterpiece. You lucky people!
The Diary Room
Little Blogger AKA Minxy is always about nowhere to be seen, and therefore she won't do you a fantastic line in body stockings. Medium-sized Blogger IS there however and he has the world record for making rollies. So GO! NOW!! Do it, before it's too late!
A Concise History
Click the links to go straight to each task and/or each particular housemate's downright ludicrous response:
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Our Links
Huge thanks go to Lucy Pepper for her wonderful illustrations.
Plus, even though he's not blogging anymore, let's remember Watski for coming up with this godawful idea in the first place.
AND, if you've got 300 years spare time on your hands you could use it to re-read the whole of the original 2005 Big Blogger event. Go on, I dare you.
The only other place we should really link to is the official BIG BROTHER website. After all, they're the ones who bought the rights to the concept in the first place; we're just adjusting it for our own purposes. I'm sure they'll understand.
So if you want intellectual stimulation and laughs-a-plenty, stay right where you are. However, if you want boredom, drudgery and maybe some tits and arse, go there instead.
I know where I'm going. Okay, see you later...
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The idea may not be original but everything else on here is of our own making and 100% original. So don't go borrowing unless A) you link back to us, or B) you ask us really really nicely beforehand.
How do you deal with a cleavage that 'needs ironing'?
Posted by:Alex | Thursday, 31 May 2007 at 15:28
I didn't understand a word of that Scrabble link. Doesn't bode well.
I could take you at cribbage, though.
Posted by:Joseph | Thursday, 31 May 2007 at 16:40
Hmmm yes, not only does my cleavage need ironing but it has a stain on its left elbow.
Posted by:Clare | Thursday, 31 May 2007 at 17:04
Ditto Alex? How do you iron your cleavage?
Posted by:clarissa | Thursday, 31 May 2007 at 18:35
By cleaving to irony, of course.
Posted by:Alex | Thursday, 31 May 2007 at 23:18
Cleaving to irony!
Nice.
Posted by:Clare | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 09:00
First there's Little Red Anna with her knees that may (but only MAY) be on her legs, now there's you with an elbow on your cleavage.
I am experiencing confusion (but gazing fixedly at your unironed cleavage until it goes away). The confusion, not the cleavage, that is (though I suppose it would be hard to stare at a cleavage once it had gone away).
Maybe this is all because you're scrunched up there under the U-bend (U-bend if you want to: the lady's not for bending).
Posted by:Rob | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 14:36