Right, better introduce myself I suppose. I am a hugely talented creative wunderkind. I can sing and dance and do trapeze and write music and novels and poems and porn. Except that I can't dance and I haven't done any trapeze for years, and even when I did I wasn't much good at it. Indeed, I am a bit of a klutz and not very good at stuff that involves moving more than one part of my body at the same time. And when I first started taking driving lessons my boyfriend of the time said I'd be rubbish at it, because I have no hand-eye coordination. Mind you, he was basing this on the fact that he always beat me at computer games, and that was only cos I had better things to do with my time than chase silly monsters down dark corridors. I preferred Tetris and Boxxle. But I am HUGELY competitive, so as soon as he said that I resolved to be REALLY GOOD AT DRIVING and I passed my test within 3 months. So ner ner to him.
He was right though, I'm crap at hand-eye coordination, and I can't multitask either, which might explain my inability to move my arms and legs at the same time, which in turn explains why I end up in a tangled blushing heap on the floor whenever I try to do aerobics. But I can write novels! Well, I had one novel published. But since then people have only paid me to write porn. Which I seem to be all right at. Fuck knows why.
But I have written another novel! That's why I'm here: It is of course well known that publishers and literary agents all gather behind the Big Blogger fence, peering in with notebooks in their hands and trying to spot the next DBC Pierre. They will be able to tell, because literary geniuses have allergic reactions to jacuzzis - it makes their ears go green. Well, that's what I was told, anyway - and if it's not true I have been brought here under false pretences and demand to leave right now. Ooh, is that a pint of Boddies and a Thorntons chocolate? Don't mind if I do.
Now, what was I saying... oh yes, you want to know what kind of housemate I will be. Well... I will probably talk non-stop, really loudly, about myself. And when I'm not doing that I'll be offering unsolicited advice and telling everyone what to do. I'll be convinced I'm being helpful, and will have no idea that everyone is terrified of me and constantly thinks I'm telling them off.
Every now and then I will burst into tears and get grumpy when people try and give me advice, because I KNOW BEST and nobody can tell me different. Sometimes I will sulk and hide under my duvet. This might be a cry for attention because not enough people are listening to me. Or it might be because I want you all to piss off and leave me alone. I will give you no clues as to which one it is - you must work it out for yourself.
I will be very caring and motherly at first, until you all start getting on my wick, at which point I will get all grumpy and scary.
When I get drunk and/or stoned (I have smuggled some pollen in, but shhh) I will whip out a notebook and start making copious notes on anyone and everything. In the middle of conversations. It will drive everyone mad.
In short, I will be quite entertaining for the viewers, but HUGELY ANNOYING for the rest of the housemates, who will want to kill me by the end of the first week. This too will make me cry.
I am now going in search of a quiet listeningy-type contestant, who will shut up and pay attention while I tell them how amazingly fascinating I am. Tomorrow morning I will hide in the cupboard under the sink, which I will call "Paris". I will ignore all attempts to communicate with me, and will insist that I am in fact in "Paris". But if you leave sandwiches on the floor outside the cupboard three times a day, you may find they disappear.
I am Clare, by the way. Clare Sudbery, or Clare Sudders if you're feeling affectionate. Not Clare's Udders. But I do have spectacularly droopy boobs, and the last time I tried I could fit 31 pencils under each one. I am very proud of this. I will kick you in the shins if you try and suggest anything to make them stick out more. They would look very silly if they did that, and would probably have your eye out. They're fine the way they are.