No, sorry, that's America's Next Top Blogger I'm thinking of, but I got knocked back in the second round. Apparently I'm great for swimwear but I don't really have a couture blog. Anyway, hello. I am Katy Newton.
I usually blog about spiders, internet dating and policemen, but I sense that I may have to come up with some new topics as the competitive blogging intensifies over the next however many weeks I am allowed to stay. This is going to be tough, but I didn't get through the intensive psychological profiling that characterises every level of the selection process for Big Blogger 2007 for nothing. I am nails.
Can I withstand the emotional blackmail, the bullying, the racist abuse, the rampant orgies and the cameras in the bathroom? Who can say? But I'm going to try and brazen my way through by unleashing my inner chav, and to that end I have in this fake Louis Vuitton holdall a variety of tracksuit bottoms with cheeky slogans scrawled on the backside in neon plastic ("Babe", "Gorgeous" and my secret favourite - "FOXY!!!"), some shiny white trainers, a few tight sequinned crop tops, my lucky battery-operated neon flashing navel ring - which is also my prize for the lucky winner, and comes complete with a bottle of witch hazel and Tescos cotton wool balls! - and several tons of blingin' Elizabeth Duke. But dignity is my watchword. Always dignity. Let others debase themselves in public with threeways, fourways, homoerotic fiveways and magums of Tesco Cava in the Jacuzzi. I shall be conducting myself with my customary class and dignity, unless I suspect that I am about to be evicted, in which case all bets are off and anything is possible.
Finally, a warning. Any attempts to bully or emotionally blackmail me shall be met with a combination of controlling manipulation and rampant oversensitivity. Expect several tearstained posts in the Diary Room before I'm out of here. As for the racist abuse, well, don't expect that you can call me Katy Bagel and get away with it. Shilpa Shetty might be prepared to turn the other cheek, but I've got a mobile phone in my knickers and I have the Anti-Defamation League on speed-dial. They'll be coming for your ass. You are on notice, bitches.