Politics are not my strongest suit. So I’ve focussed on small changes which will make me a happier person. And if I’m happy, other people will be too. Probably.
Behold - Cat’s manifesto to make Britain great again.
1) Workplace meetings will last no more than 30 minutes. Chocolate biscuits and decent coffee will be provided for every meeting, and no meeting will ever take place before 10am, during lunchtime, or at any point on a Friday.
2) Anyone sporting open-toed shoes will be required, by law, to have a weekly pedicure. Women (or men) with skanky feet and cracked heels will be jailed.
3) Ticket touts will be made to go to Coldplay gigs, then sentenced to community service, where their punishment will be to pedicure the worst offenders above.
4) People in possession of Keane CDs will be given (music) therapy, in the form of seven solid days of listening to the genius of the Smiths. Keane themselves will be hunted down and face a public firing squad, headed up by my good self.
5) Misuse of apostrophes will incur written punishments, to be corrected by me. (Yes, I will be a very busy girl.) The grammar and punctuation police will patrol the written word, paying particular attention to signage. Txt msg spk will be banned, even in txt msgs.
6) Adults who cycle on pavements will face a hefty jail sentence. (I don’t care where you come from. If you’re over the age of 12, you should be cycling on the road. Not creeping up behind me and making me wet my pants with the fear as I walk to work listening to my iPod of a morning.)
7) Novelty mobile phone ringtones will cease to exist. Along with communal changing rooms.
8) Men with facial hair must check their beards for stray food particles prior to appearing in public.
9) Two Pints of Lager and Packet of Crisps (which makes a mockery of my license fee) will never, ever be shown on television again.
And (10) on a more serious note, everyone will be entitled to free dental treatment - by a non-butcher - on the NHS.
One Day - Bjork
Comments
Cat for president. Although there is no crime feesible that deserves no.3...
The meeting stuff sounds great... but couldn't we just ban meetings altogether?
Novelty ringtones, yes yes yes, but in number five (the one about grammar) you put your full stop inside your parentheses (which is not technically correct).
And I think Two Pints of Lager and Packet of Crisps is kinda cute.
OG, how can you even put Coldplay and the Smiths in the same sentence, you cheeky monkey?!
Penfold, facial topiary? Not a winner in the Cat House!
Clare, glad to hear you don't have skanky feet, but on the grammar front, the bit in the brackets is a complete sentence, and comes between two complete sentences, so the full stop should go inside the closing bracket. Okay?!
Welcome to the home of Big Blogger 2007. For the next eight weeks or so we will be watching (well, reading) the housemates as they complete their tasks, eake out a meagre existence, and do everything in their power to convince you, the blogging public, that they should be the ones to win the title of Big Blogger 2007. Who will win? You decide... (I could swear I've heard that before somewhere.)
Click on this link if you require any further clarification. And in case anyone is still utterly confused, here are The Rules.
The Housemates
Check out all the freaky weirdos beautiful specimens we've caged up just for you - and all in the name of entertainment too!
And the newbies too:
The House
It's missing a library, a nail salon and a coffee bar, but other than that it's a design masterpiece. You lucky people!
The Diary Room
Little Blogger AKA Minxy is always about nowhere to be seen, and therefore she won't do you a fantastic line in body stockings. Medium-sized Blogger IS there however and he has the world record for making rollies. So GO! NOW!! Do it, before it's too late!
A Concise History
Click the links to go straight to each task and/or each particular housemate's downright ludicrous response:
If you love Big Blogger in an almost entirely non-physical way then be a good sort and whack one of these attractive Big Blogger-themed thingies into your sidebar.
Our Links
Huge thanks go to Lucy Pepper for her wonderful illustrations.
Plus, even though he's not blogging anymore, let's remember Watski for coming up with this godawful idea in the first place.
AND, if you've got 300 years spare time on your hands you could use it to re-read the whole of the original 2005 Big Blogger event. Go on, I dare you.
The only other place we should really link to is the official BIG BROTHER website. After all, they're the ones who bought the rights to the concept in the first place; we're just adjusting it for our own purposes. I'm sure they'll understand.
So if you want intellectual stimulation and laughs-a-plenty, stay right where you are. However, if you want boredom, drudgery and maybe some tits and arse, go there instead.
I know where I'm going. Okay, see you later...
Legal Mumbo-Jumbo
The idea may not be original but everything else on here is of our own making and 100% original. So don't go borrowing unless A) you link back to us, or B) you ask us really really nicely beforehand.
Cat for president. Although there is no crime feesible that deserves no.3...
Posted by: penfold | Saturday, 23 June 2007 at 14:59
Penfold, was that the Coldplay bit of number three or the feet bit?
Posted by: Cat | Saturday, 23 June 2007 at 21:56
R u 4 real?
Posted by: bedshaped | Saturday, 23 June 2007 at 22:27
The Coldplay bit. I'm sure he's very lovely and is nice to kittens and stuff but he is a miserable, drony git...
Posted by: penfold | Sunday, 24 June 2007 at 01:11
All of the above, including 6 but - what about people who walk about in an iPod bubble?
Posted by: Concerned Sidcup resident | Sunday, 24 June 2007 at 07:15
Bedshaped, Y?
Penfold, he and Gwynnie are one of my least liked sleb couples. There's something far too wholesome about them.
Concerned from Sidcup, guilty as charged. But I don't have the volume up loud enough for anyone else to hear.
Posted by: Cat | Sunday, 24 June 2007 at 12:58
Oh I think I'm voting for Cat!
Although couldn't we just ban men with facial hair full stop!
(And cannot agree with 2pts! I love it! And may have a secret (and fairly disturbing) crush on Ralph Little!)
PS. How can you love The Smiths and hate Coldplay?
Posted by: ordinary girl | Sunday, 24 June 2007 at 22:32
Wholesome - pffft!
Facial hair? I'll get my coat.....
Posted by: penfold | Monday, 25 June 2007 at 10:08
[pauses to inspect feet for signs of skankiness]
[heaves sigh of relief]
The meeting stuff sounds great... but couldn't we just ban meetings altogether?
Novelty ringtones, yes yes yes, but in number five (the one about grammar) you put your full stop inside your parentheses (which is not technically correct).
And I think Two Pints of Lager and Packet of Crisps is kinda cute.
[runs for cover]
Posted by: Clare | Monday, 25 June 2007 at 15:37
OG, how can you even put Coldplay and the Smiths in the same sentence, you cheeky monkey?!
Penfold, facial topiary? Not a winner in the Cat House!
Clare, glad to hear you don't have skanky feet, but on the grammar front, the bit in the brackets is a complete sentence, and comes between two complete sentences, so the full stop should go inside the closing bracket. Okay?!
Posted by: Cat | Monday, 25 June 2007 at 16:22