Selfish Self-Absorbed Self-Obsessed Self Love

We had an open relationship, but... we probably didn't mean this. We understood that sexual attraction to another was no reflection on The One We Loved. We were only human. If we copped off with someone at a party, so what? We were free and easy and Liberated and could cope with all that.

We never discussed finer points, but maybe the agreement didn't encompass a full-on affair that lasted months.

It wasn't a secret. She and I had been flirting for a while, so when it first happened it was no surprise either. And supposedly, no big deal. Everyone knew about it, and it was just a bit of fun.

But.

I love stability. I like cuddles, and certainties, and people that stay in my life, and love me and make me safe. But I like excitement, too. And that's where the selfishness comes in. As a young adult, I was addicted to falling in love. The rush of the new. The gazing into each other's eyes. The frantic sex. The stuff that's hard to maintain when you've been with someone for a while, no matter how much you love them. And that's what was happening with this woman, and I wasn't just letting it happen - I was encouraging it. Because it was heady and addictive, and I wanted more.

And he, he said it was all right. What else could he say? I knew it wasn't all right. I knew neither of us was truly happy. And she, she loved me, so she had to say it was all right too. Because she wanted more, as well. More of me, and I couldn't give it because I had him too. And I didn't only have him, I had all the other things that fill the head of a selfish person. I couldn't truly give myself to anyone, because first and foremost I was giving myself to myself, just as I always did.

It was thoroughly selfish, and the worst thing is, none of us were happy.

It ended in tears.

Harumph. OK, time to redeem myself... maybe. A little. The most selfless thing I've ever done? Possibly also the most selfish.

People who choose not to have children are often accused of selfishness. They put their careers, their need for sleep, their love of lazy weekends and impromptu trips away, first. They don't want the responsibility of caring for another human being. How selfish of them.

I put off having children for a long time because of all that stuff. Because I knew how selfish I can be, and wasn't sure I would ever be able to give enough.

And God but I like my sleep.

That was the first thing I noticed, once we finally took the plunge. I was getting up regularly at five or six am, my nights were broken by feeds every four hours. And then, when he got older, and I was having to get up and feed a baby and do all sorts of child-related faffing before I could even go to work. And now, he needs a hug or reassurance or someone to read a story, and I go running. I give things to him. More than I've given anyone before. But that was the first thought I had, back then when my sleep was interrupted: I didn't mind.

Getting up to a crying baby was no harder than brushing my teeth in the mornings. I don't think to myself every day, "Oh bloody hell those teeth need cleaning again"... I just get on with it. It's part of my life, a job that gets done without even thinking about it.

That crying baby wasn't another human being, unreasonable, making demands, impinging on my freedom... that crying baby was an extension of me. His needs are my needs.

And that's why having a child was simultaneously the most selfish and selfless thing I've ever done.

Comments

[honey]

I agree wholeheartedly with the baby thing.
I was born to be a mum, I was GREAT with other people's kids, parents used to BEG me to babysit. I had an affinity with babies and children that meant I almost went down the teacher career path (imagine 28 of the little buggers). So when my man and I decided to have sprogs, I did a little jump for joy, that's it thought I, time to prove once again how great I am, how wonderful a mother I'll be - the best in the world. Made all the more poignant by the time I finally got pregnant after two years of being jabbed and poked and injected..
Now I have two bundles of bouncing joy. Sort of. My kids are of course the best in the world. The most beautiful, the most intelligent etc.. but me? I've just spent the whole morning chasing up child care for the month of July as I can possibly cope with the kids during August at home whilst the schools are closed (well I'll have to) but July also? I'll go completly NUTS. I love them I do but they shatter me, they drain every ounce of creativity out of me, they have killed my precious routine they have stomped on my sex life, my waist size, my brain.... arrrrghhhhh.

But even if I could, I'd never shove 'em back.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent.

[Mr Angry]

Your most selfish act was to 'lez it up a bit'?

That practically makes you a Saint in my book...

[SpanishGoth]

Surprised Mr Angry got in with that comment before Tippler but...

As for babies, I used to love getting up in the middle of the night with mini-Gothess. My ex-wife used to take hours to settle her whereas I just used to lie on the sofa with her head on my chest and she'd fall asleep again. Of course I didn't mention it had taken 5 minutes to settle her instead of 3 hours

[Cat]

Check out the boys loving a hint of lady loving action - so very, very predictable!

[Clare]

Aw honey, that's just it - parenting is never simple, is it? Bet you're a great mum though. IMHO the best parents are the ones who are selfish from time to time - it's important for kids to learn that other people - particularly those close to you - are separate people with their own needs, and nobody can ever put you first all the time. Sometimes they have to give a little, too. And I too am looking for childcare for summer hols...

Mr Angry... [refuses to take bait] hmmm. Just watch out, is all.

SG, that's so cute.

Cat, I know!

[Russian Dating]

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