She's All There

This blog post will radically improve your love life.

It is not only radically full of amazing radical insights, it contains radical powers to ruin your day and put you in a seriously bad mood if you don't email it to the entire contents of your address book within ten minutes of reading it.

You don't need to know how these magical powers will be exercised. After all, it's the internet, and computers, and everything they do is a bit weird and incomprehensible really, isn't it? Even those geeky people who claim to know how they work are just saying it to make themselves look cleverer. Ask them how a quantum computer works. Get them to actually explain it to you, in a way that makes sense. See?

So anyway, this blog post has magical properties and can tell whether or not you email it to anyone, and if you don't a secret message will be returned to me, and I will send some Bad Luck Packets down the phone wires and make you have a bad day. Really. I can.

So, anyway. Your sex life.

Oh, hang on, I forgot. While I'm telling you these Amazing Secret Tricks which will revolutionise your luck with the fairer sex, the meaner sex, the badger sex or whichever it is that tickles your fancybones, I will be employing a finely-tuned mantra whose purpose is to make your genitals grow larger or sweeter-smelling depending on their current state, and will alter your brainwaves in such a way that you exude potent pheromones which will make everyone within five metres of your desk want to do anything in their power to make you happy. Don't worry about the mantra. Ignore the mantra. The mantra will do you good.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

Oh and if anyone within five metres of your desk is also reading this email you will be mutually devastated by each other's wonderfulness before teaming up together and taking over the world, so that's all right.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

Right. I'm going to give you ten tips, ten amazing revolutionary Hot Sex Tips, that will change your life forever. Why? Because I'm nice like that. And, well, you know - karma.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

Oh, and if you read one of these tips and think something like, "Huh? But that doesn't apply to me," then you are clearly not concentrating enough. Think hard. Is there something about you or someone close to you that I could be referring to? Did you once eat a raspberry that shape? Clearly that is what I mean, and YOU are who I'm talking to.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

So. Sex tips.

(1)
You know when you do that thing with your tongue? You're getting that slightly wrong. You need to leave gaps between the wiggles, and do it a bit more to the left.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

(2)
It's not too small. Really. It's fine. Just, you know, it needs to be wiggled a bit more to the left.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

(3)
Remember that time, when you did that thing?
That was great. Do that again.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

(4)
It's much better when you grind your hips. No, a bit more to the left... That's it. Well done.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

(5)
Eye contact! Long, lingering eye contact.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

(6)
Words. Lots of them. For lubrication or protection. For titillation, flatteration or deterrent, just don't forget to use them. They're free.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

(7)
Your feet. You know what I mean.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

(8)
It's exactly where you thought it was. Now quit procrastinating.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

(9)
Five inches. And a half. On the left.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

(10)
Only if you remember to do it gently.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

Now quickly, you have ten minutes to email this post to everyone in your address book and if you don't you will SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST. Seriously. Can't you feel your keyboard getting hot? That heat has already transferred to your fingers and the only way you can stop it from building up and exploding you dead is if you send it out to someone else by emailing this post. Really. It's your sole chance of escape.

vote for clare, vote for clare, she's all there, vote for clare

Oh and by the way, vote for Clare.
http://timtim.typepad.com/bigblogger2007/

Comments

[Angelalala]

Babe, you crack me up!

[ordinary girl]

Fabulous clare!! And I may just pass a few of these tips onto Goth... I think his lady love may need them..!

[Clare]

Tee hee.

Sadly it's not actually resulting in many votes for me. Ah well, never mind. I didn't want to win anyway.

[sulk]