The Law According to Clare Sudbery

[argh argh argh, I hate computers. This was in fact written on Sunday, awaiting a brief edit before being posted this morning, but then I lost all internet access and have been living in a horrible web-free darkness all day]

[but anyway - here's my manifesto]

Of course, we all know that parliamentary democracy is a joke, that the only people who stand for government are the most untrustworthy arrogant power-mad corrupt pieces of attention-seeking shite and that even if they aren't, the process of fighting elections turns them into pratts, that even if they survive that they have no hope in hell of changing anything real because most of the ills in society are caused by the fact that true money and power rest in the hands of a tiny privileged minority who would never allow an elected representative to threaten their status and the only way to truly change society is by socialist revolution and therefore standing for Prime Minister is a waste of time, right?

Good. In that case, I can lay down my manifesto before you secure in the knowledge that it stands no chance of ever being implemented.

CLARE'S MANIFESTO, aka The Law According To Clare Sudbery

(1) All mugs will be hung on hooks with their handles pointing to the right.

(2) Toilet roll will always have its loose end hanging out and over the top.

(3) Nobody will raise their voice. Ever. Unless they are being squeaky and enthusiastic. Or singing. Or demonstrating.

(4) Clare will always win.

(5) Scrabble will be the national sport.

(6) Everybody will stop whingeing.

(7) And be nice.

(8) Clare will always be right.

(9) People will release their inner child whenever the hell they feel like it, as long as it means they smile and take pleasure in small things.

(10) All gunk will be banned.

(11) You will STOP SHAVING (unless it's your chin and you have a spiky beard and you're planning on kissing anyone).

(12) All electrical goods, cars, internet products and anything that has any kind of complex functional aspect at all will be produced by the state, there will be no choice, you will never have to agonise over whether you bought the right one in the right place at the right time, or whether you can find someone to fix it, or whether someone else is selling it cheaper or with better finance. Everyone will get the same make and model (according to your requirements), one of everything, with automatic repairs and replacements guaranteed.

(13) NO INSURANCE. You WILL not buy any insurance policies. All insurance brokers will be executed at dawn, along with estate agents, the royal family and people in the audience from Trisha, and if anything goes wrong in your life the queen will pay for it to be put right. Or rather, the queen's estate. The queen herself will be dead.

(14) It will be all right to smile at strangers.

(15) Everybody will spend one day a week in the company of a child.

(16) The kind of thick plastic welded-at-the-edges packaging which can hang on a hook and which encases everything from scissors to batteries to chocolate eggs and can only be opened with industrial-sized bolt croppers will be outlawed.

(17) People will stop liking nuts. And marmite. And Twiglets. And red wine.

(18) People will stop sneering at other people for liking different stuff or enjoying popular culture.

(19) When people go to restaurants, they will not be allowed to sit down and eat until they have cooked and served a meal to all the staff and learnt all their names.

(20) There will be a 50% reduction in gravity by ... well, I was going to say 2008, but I'll be reasonable and say 2014. This will make it easier to get upstairs to bed after a heavy night's drinking and smoking. It will make other stuff easier too. But mainly the going to bed thing.

(21) There will be no war...

(22) ...no panic...

(23) ...more communication, fewer secrets, less shame...

(24) ...and everybody will be nice to each other. All the time. I said ALL THE TIME. NOW STOP THAT, AND BE NICE.

Phew.

Comments

[Cat]

I'm not so sure about the stopping shaving bit - I'd quite like to get my legs out this summer, if the summer ever happens...

[Clare]

Yeah, but if EVERYBODY stopped shaving, we'd all think legs were beautiful with or without hair, and wouldn't even notice if they were hairy!

We only think hairy is ugly because we've been conditioned to think that way. I'm just planning a bit of reconditioning, is all...

[ordinary girl]

About the shaving... what if you have a prickly "area" and you're planning on somebody kissing it?! Surely shaving that should be allowed ;-)

[penfold]

We should have a 'prickly bit' kissing test. Different prickly bits (at different stages of prickliness) kissed by mouths at different stages of beard removal.
All in the interests of science and politics you understand...

[Big Blogger]

I quite like the hairy rings around my nips, and always feel a trifle sad when I have to shave them. So I whole-heartedly condone your policy!

[Mr Angry]

I do not shave at weekends, does that count?

And I have not shaved my legs in absolutely ages.

[honey]

how do you get prickly bits nless you shave first?
shaving banned, after a few weeks: no prickly bits.
no 16 is my favourite, I've been lazily waiting for someone to ban that ever since I could operate a pair of sissors, and then realised that was not enough.

[Rob]

Wouldn't #19 lead to a lot of obese restaurant staff? If every customer cooked each of them a meal on each visit?

Re #2: the best toilet roll dispenser we ever had was basically a pretty plastic box with a hinged front that you dropped the roll into and just led the end out through the flap. No messing with spring-loaded thingies and nothing at all to go wrong. But it only worked if the roll was upside down (i.e. like this O__ ). But with that exception, yes.

#17: is it possible to live wthout Twiglets and red wine? Really? Go on, you're kidding me. Bloody hell.

[Clare]

Honey, you have clearly never kissed a man with a prickly beard!

[Micky]

There is nothing in this world, but the saving grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. He eventually delivered me from my HELL, when I got down on my knees and asked for mercy and forgiveness for my sins. I have recovered my INNER CHILD - that CHILD is GOD.
MICKY - I AM THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD - michael-micky.blogspot.com
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY

[Idetrorce]

very interesting, but I don't agree with you
Idetrorce