Hello there. Sorry I’m a bit late but like Mr Angry, I was a late call-up after being second Reserve-In-Waiting so it’s been a bit of a mad rush to get the milk and papers cancelled and organise a sitter to look after my ageing parents. Seriously, try calling a temp agency on a Sunday and asking for “someone to cook, clean and constantly wipe up drool” and you’ll see what I mean.
I’m Neil, by the way, and I’m Scottish so naturally I entered the house resplendent in simple black t-shirt and clan kilt and immediately challenged someone to a fight. You know who you are (although I don’t ‘cause I’m crap at remembering names) and you probably didn’t mean any harm so apologies if I was a bit over-aggressive. But let’s face it, if the first words of introduction from your lips include the phrases “got any underwear” and “back door-sneakin’”, then you really only have yourself to blame.
When I’m not resorting to extreme violence after sexuality misunderstandings, I like to relax with a sudoku puzzle in a warm soapy bath of sandalwood and ginseng and listen to my favourite music, especially something catchy like Keane or Coldplay. I notice that most of the housemates seem to have brought along one of those fancy new iPod things so I hope I won’t look out of place when I unpack my trusty Walkman. I’ve also brought my guitar ‘cause my old band are getting back together for a gig at the end of July and I really need to learn a fourth chord.
Generally, I’m quite a tidy and ordered soul, so as long as everyone remembers that the toilet paper hangs with the flappy bit down the front, we’ll get on great. Other than that – oh, and the canned-goods-in-strict-alphabetical-order thing – I’m a pretty easy-going and considerate guy. In fact there are really only two things I hate in this world.
1. People who are intolerant of other people’s culture…
2. And the Dutch.
NO! WAIT! I’m just kidding Stu; it’s an Austin Powers joke. Put the shotgun back down gently on top of your James Bond suit. There you go, no harm done.
Anyway, if I can refrain from punching anyone (or getting my brains splattered all over the wall) I’ll probably be quite a quiet and reserved housemate at first until I suss everyone out. I’m not always comfortable in situations that involve social interaction (hence the reason I started writing a blog… irony, eh?) so as long as we’re not forced into playing any stupid, contrived party games, I’ll probably continue with the strong, silent persona. Once some of the more mouthy housemates start to annoy everyone, I’ll swoop in with some devastating charm and see if any of the girls are up for it.
I notice there are a lot of addictive personalities in the house so it’s just as well I brought a mountain of strong coffee, a dozen jumbo slabs of chocolate (Cadburys. For the ladies.) and a ton of Marlboro Ultra Lights; the ones with the cool white filter. Elsewhere in my backpack I have jeans, t-shirts, a Scotland football strip, a favourite black denim jacket, a poster of Gillian Anderson, the last Harry Potter novel, a Jamie Oliver cookbook, “The Da Vinci Code”, “Devastating Charm for Dummies”, my 80s mix tapes, 200 pencils and a couple of bottles of Highland Park - the finest of all malt whiskys - one of which will be offered as a prize to the lucky bastard who wins.
I think that about covers everything… now where’s the girl with the pencil-huggin’ boobs?