Tippler is barely over the shock of discovering that his manifesto was not quite enough to dislodge Gordon Brown as prime minister. However, the dour Scot is not the only big clunking fist around town and our house is an empire in itself - so here goes.
Rule number 1): No pubic hair shall be left in the showers. OK, the ladies showers. So you know what that means, girls. Yes.
You'll find the razors in the cabinet.
2) Ordinary Girl, having flashed her boobs at all of us, is ordered to wear a bikini for the duration of her stay. That would be a bikini with one piece missing. You choose, OG (and don't forget rule number one, the cabinet's to your right).
3) There shall be plentiful supplies of Jack Daniels,chilled Chenin Blanc, tins of beer, Marlboros, tasty nibbles and Marmite kept under lock and key.
My lock. My key. Ask very, very nicely and do please remember that a 'fuck off' often offends...
Please note: anyone found breaking in to this stash will be taken from the Big Blogger house to a place of execution and shot by firing squad live on national television. Or they'll be made to clean the lads' bogs with a toothbrush. Depends how well I've slept.
4) There shall be a Bullshit Monitor appointed on a rotating basis. The monitor's job will be to sniff out bullshit wherever it occurs and ruthlessly eradicate it. Anyone found guilty of talking bollocks, claptrap and/or utter garbage will be whipped within an inch of their sorry lives by the appropriately named Cat. (Rotating monitors should note here that over-rotation can cause you to fall over.)
5) There will be a twice-weekly inspection of all the showers. When everyone's in them. OK, forget the men's. Ladies, please pay particular attention to rule number one. Carrying out the inspection is a serious responsibility and, girls, you know I wouldn't give the job to just anyone.
So I'll see you all on Tuesday and Friday at 9am. For about an hour. Bring soap.
6) There shall be no clocks. None. I hate ticking. Sorry, but there you go.
7) There shall be no sex going on surreptitiously in the house. Any shagging is to be done in full view of all the housemates, who may or may not join in when they feel comfortable. Obviously, this does not apply to me if I can smuggle Laura in. That's because I'm shy. And writing the rules.
8) Any mention of Harry Potter is banned - under penalty of the Avada Kedavra spell.
9) There shall be only one remote control for any gadgets in the house. And if you can't guess who gets to keep it, you're an idiot and would probably confuse it with an Apple i-Phone, anyway.
10) One room shall be set aside for unsavoury pursuits. So, if you really must fart, burp, scratch your bits, pick your nose, snot-gobble or paint your fucking toenails, do it in the room marked with a black cross.
11) Everyone shall be allowed a glass of wine, shot of Jack Daniels or a can of beer at 7pm each night. On High Days and Holidays this may be extended at Tippler's discretion. Bribes are, of course, always welcome. Especially if they involve breasts.
12) Finally, for the duration of Big Blogger, it is hereby decreed that God shall be in His heaven and all shall be well with the world.
I thank you...