Cooeeee

Oh hang on! You want to know other stuff too.

What am I wearing? What am I wearing? Um... something brightly-coloured and designed to conceal my fat whilst also showing my cleavage which I think looks utterly fabulous but is actually a bit embarrassing and needs ironing and has a chocolate sauce stain on the left elbow and makes me look like a middle-aged hippie trying to look young.

And what have I brought in with me, for myself and as a prize for the winner?

For me, I have a Scrabble set. I will make you all play with me, but I will always win by a million points and then get annoyed with you for not providing me with a decent contest. If anyone beats me at Scrabble, you will win your very own prize, which is that I will shut up and listen to you talk for a whole hour without interrupting once.

There isn't much else in my suitcase. Apart from... a load of stuff which I'm sure I might need, like stuff for warm weather, stuff for cold weather, stuff for rainy weather, stuff for insects, stuff for sunburn, stuff to hide under when the sun comes out (it makes me hot and cross and squidgey), pills, potions and powders for every conceivable medical complaint, a backup of my latest novel, several notebooks and pens, some dope, some vodka, my multifunction Swiss Army penknife wot my dad gave me for my 16th birthday and several strong plastic bags.

Oh, and some books wot I've been meaning to read: In The Line of Beauty by Alan Hollinghurst, Accordion Crimes by E Annie Proulx, Any Way You Want Me by Lucy Diamond, Slow Man by JM Coetzee, More Tales of the City by Armistead Maupin, The Life of Hunger by Amelie Nothomb.

And my prize for the winner... If I thought I could get away with it, I would donate a copy of my first novel. But I probably can't, so instead, um, oh yes. A box of Thornton's Continental. A big one. And then I can have some too. In fact... maybe you better take it away from me now, or the prize may be an empty chocolate box.

Comments

[Alex]

How do you deal with a cleavage that 'needs ironing'?

[Joseph]

I didn't understand a word of that Scrabble link. Doesn't bode well.

I could take you at cribbage, though.

[Clare]

Hmmm yes, not only does my cleavage need ironing but it has a stain on its left elbow.

[clarissa]

Ditto Alex? How do you iron your cleavage?

[Alex]

By cleaving to irony, of course.

[Clare]

Cleaving to irony!

Nice.

[Rob]

First there's Little Red Anna with her knees that may (but only MAY) be on her legs, now there's you with an elbow on your cleavage.

I am experiencing confusion (but gazing fixedly at your unironed cleavage until it goes away). The confusion, not the cleavage, that is (though I suppose it would be hard to stare at a cleavage once it had gone away).

Maybe this is all because you're scrunched up there under the U-bend (U-bend if you want to: the lady's not for bending).