Joseph Speaks

Hello everybody, my name is Joseph and no one knows who I am. This could be good as all the pressure is off. No expectations to be met here. Or it could be a bitter, uphill struggle to win your love and affection. Thank God I brought my ice picks.

I'm the obligatory slightly poofy one and as such entered the house wearing my fabulous Elton John-esque Marie Antoinette costume. I'm keeping the little toy boat but there's a fuck load of wig and feathers left over if anyone wants to make a nest.

My suitcase contains none of the things I would be wearing if I was slacking off in my own house for seven weeks. Those things are not fit for broadcast. What are here are my favourite linen trousers, mix 'n' match scarf/belt combos, a three piece suit and an over-sized t-shirt I once spilled macaroni and cheese down and has never quite been the same.

Qualities I bring to the house are an ability to offend by saying nothing, the insistance* that everyone join me for a morning run round the garden, the promise of obscene behaviour once you pour enough gin down my throat and at least one showtune, declaration of love and hissy fit. I also cook a mean spag bol.
Other talents include staying well out of any fights until comforting every member of the group by dishing dirt on the others. See also being charming to everyone before venting my spleen in the Diary Room for six hours.

Things I simply do not care about: Football; films involving Ben Stiller; what you did on that LARPing weekend; Harry Potter.
Things I will talk about at length: The musical genius of whoever; the use of correct spelling, punctuation and grammar in today's society; who I fancy off of the telly; old Pete and Dud sketches.

I have also brought a small bottle of absinthe, a bag of chewing nuts, a toy rabbit named Toby, a pack of cards, some baccy for when I need to buy friends and this patch of dry flaky skin on my left elbow that I've only just noticed. Huh.

The prize I offer to the winner is this shiny new copy of Lord of the Flies by William Golding.

Nice to meet you

J.

* Yes, I spelt it wrong. Ta very much to Blue Witch for kicking me off my high horse.

Comments

[honey]

excellent a back stabber... good start!

[little bugger]

do you say disingenuous alot, too? :)

[Joseph]

It's my middle name ;)

[Daddy Papersurfer]

I'm with you on Ben Stiller particularly when playing football - a good start whoever you are. How are you getting on with Penfold?

[La Cubana Gringa]

I scampered over here from Enidd's place and I must say...I'm excited to follow along in the shinanigans and the hootinanny (oh, and the tomfoolery) that promises to go on in this here household!

Woo hoo!

[Joseph]

Daddy P - Penfold is very well. We're currently working on making a wave machine for the pool. We're going to need a more powerful electric whisk...

[Delboys Daughter]

Ah. Good intro!
There's competition on the underdog / relatively unknown catagory this year though ;)

[Clare]

Spag bol! Ace. That's a rather nice costume too, if I may say so.

What card games can we play? I'm getting bored in this cupboard.

[Honey]

OOOhhhh Joseph you are cute, love the photo. Sorry about the backstabbing remark you would all of a sudden my new favourite 'cept you look scarily like an exboyfriend who went nuts..

[bob]

Agreeing with Honey. You look like a certain future ex-boyfriend of mine who

[bob]

... oh, sorry. Someone walked by with a wine bottle. Anyway. Yes. V cute.

[Big Blogger]

Could this be a possible house romance I am a-spying?

I shall get Little Bugger to nip down to Morrison's and grab a couple of crates of cheapo cider and some dodgy Ukrainian vodka what fell off the back of a lorry near the Ashford bypass.

That should help bolster inter-housematal relationships a wee bit.

[SpanishGoth]

Hey J,

I might need the feathers - shit didn't work for Icarus but I have a cunning and watertight plan...

Incidentally, you don't need to buy friends - just be there for them (in a non-gay way, sort of, ish, shit, I'll stop digging myself into a hole now).

[Joseph]

I do like that picture and when it's resized like that you can't even see where I Photoshopped out my third nostril...

[bob]

Ah bless ... I lost my third nostril back in the 80s, long before Photoshop. It was during a photoshoot with Liza and Halston and, oh what was that odd little trolls's name ... used to ghostwrite for Harper Lee.

[bob]

Goth ...

have a gander at the lovely moon and do write us a poem. It's right beautiful just about now.

[SpanishGoth]

OK - give me 20 minutes (but, no peeking)

[SpanishGoth]

The Moon (For Bob)

As I traced the arc of tears down my face,
I struggled it seemed, so hard now to trace,
Where had love had gone, it's exit I knew,
But follow it could I? Could I see you

Again after you had broken my heart,
Left me raw and bleeding falling apart,
I stumbled, I fell, but there on my knees,
I could see, what I'd missed, failed to please

For there in a puddle, the moon stared at me,
Benelovance smiling, was all I could see,
So I picked myself up, and walked to my home,
And wallowed in happiness, in bed, all alone

When I woke in the night, she was staring at me,
The Moon, the love, but forever with me

[SpanishGoth]

OK - it was 8 and if it's shit..... something happens, I think, I don't know. You asked, I did. Can I get back to my corner now?

[Invader Stu]

I agree with you on Ben Stiller. I would also like to add Adam Sandler to the list....

... which list you might ask? My hit list.

[Blue Witch]

"Things I will talk about at length: ... the use of correct spelling... in today's society"

Never one to resist a challenge... I have one word for you: insistance ;)

[Joseph]

Well done! You win this, um... sheepish look and hasty retreat?

[Honey]

awwww thanks for the poem.
who'd of thought a poem in big blogger

[Blue Witch]

Glad you have come with a sense of humour Joseph ;)

Bet you spellcheck your posts 10 times before posting now :)

[SpanishGoth]

Blue Witch,

You saw me standing a-lune
Without a thought in my hart
Not even a deer in my toon
Spell checkers this if you can

Blew which, eye thought I saw you alone
It was the fete in your ayes

(bollocks - bored now......)