And while nobody was looking....

Outside the entrance to the Big Blogger house, the announcement is made that yet another fool housemate is arriving to make his entrance inside. As his name is announced, the reception from the crowd increases to a screaming level on a par with the beginnings of a Cliff Richard concert. Then suddenly, most of them turn to one another, palms facing upwards, mouthing the words "who?". Indeed, compared to the rest of the housemates, he's a bit of a Nowhere Man.
Leaving the crowd to chew on their confusion, I've already made my escape from the gas-guzzling 4x4 that collected me from the hideaway B&B that Big Blogger tried to disguise as a 5star Hotel, the fucker! Scaling the pathetic, rickety old fence at the back of house, I'm faced with Geoff the security guard and his Poodle guard dog, who is easily distracted with the fatty parts of the bacon from my so called 'full English breakfast'.
Of course, I'm come prepared.
As soon as Geoff lays his eyes on the photographs I have of him in compromising positions with a two Real Dolls and several Walnut Whips, he's all ears. Although willing to let me slip in through the back door, he is insistent on checking the contents of my suitcase to ensure I 'play by the rules'. My mobile phone, the draft script I have of Lost season 4 and my pipe bender have all been confiscated, but I managed to get away with an ounce of wonderful Thai weed, my houseplant Marley and a vibrator (which I intend to use as forms of bribery with the girls in the house), so it's not all bad news. The rest of my suitcase is filled with t-shirts, jeans, combats and socks, but no underwear. I, like Tippler, favour the feeling of freedom beneath my lower attire.
I'm not sure how I'm going to get on in the house. I'm not a big fan of rules and would say I'm probably the most likely housemate to do a Leo, but that said, I think some of the housemates may warm to me once they discover I'm a little like a prison scrounger. You want it, bedshaped can get it. Ask no questions, yano!
I'd be thrilled to win (and With A Little Help From My Friends I might have a tiny chance), if only for the prize of the neon flashing navel ring offered by Katy because it might be a nice change from the ring I've had in my navel for the past 8 years or so. I can't say I'm too fussed about the lint offered by Invader Stu though. My prize is a load of mini Snickers bars from a Celebrations tin I had bought for me at Christmas. As you can see, I've spared no expense.
I can be a bit moody, but I can also be a laugh and my mood can generally be sussed out by my smoking habits. If I'm depressed and down about something....I smoke....often. If I'm excited about something, I also smoke. If I'm feeling relaxed and at home, I'll build a spliff. I don't like people who don't wash their hands after going to the toilet, I love music (although I've not bought anything musical in with me, because most of the other housemates have and I'd like to widen my music knowledge from them) and I think that people who act as the punctuation police should wake up and go and do something more constructive instead.
Sometimes I go off on a tangent, often I go all random and cryptic and I'm generally seen as the controversial one of the group.
For my own amusement and sanity, I shall be including Beatles song titles hidden somewhere in each of my posts, as well as the occasional secret message to my girlfriend if she ever stops by this way.

Geoff appears to be happy with the remaining contents of my suitcase and agrees to open the garden gate to let me in, on the condition that those photos never see the light of day.

So while the crowd lose themselves in their ritual of pantomime jeers and boo's....bedshaped sneaks in through the back door.

Comments

[penfold]

During my time in the service conduits of the house I found Geoff very susceptible to simple compliments such as -
'you look great in a leotard' and
'I love the way you grunt when pulling trains'

[bob]

Hmmm. Two "in the back door" references in one post. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Nice to meet you, hopefully the margarita truck will be pulling up soon.

In the meantime, could you maybe roll up some of that Thai weed.

Cheers.

[penfold]

welcome bedshaped - do you like trifle? I think Bob's sorting out the Margheritas as we speak...

[bedshaped]

Bob, it would be a pleasure.
So....about these back door references....

[bedshaped]

Penfold, trifle is fine so long as the fruity bits are kept to a bare mininum.
I'm a little fussy about what gets past these lips!

[Cat]

Aha, a familiar face. Between your vibrator and my Dutch porn, we're sorted...

[bedshaped]

Hey Cat,
Is that the kind of porn that I think it is....?

[Geoff The Security Guard]

They were harmless wedding photos I swear!
So Aunt Mavis got a little frisky after one too many sherries. We've all been there damnit.

[enidd]

hullo bedshaped. enidd's sorry to say that geoff's poodle pal is no more. stalin. nuff said.

[Geoff The Security Guard]

I'm gonna get you enidd... and your little dog too!
MWAHAHAHAHAHA etc...

[STaLin!]

NoT so LiTTle, p00dLe BoY.

[Geoff The Security Guard]

Moonshine Macbeth The Third... !!!!!!!!
What has that mutt done to you my precious?
I shall seek my revenge.

[Clare]

Yes! Somebody who can skin up. My house is complete. I am rubbish at skinning up. But good at smoking. Maybe we could team up? I have supplies...

[Clare]

Ooh, and yay! for being able to smoke spliffs again. My pesky boyfriend gave up smoking tobacco and well, you know, you have to show willing...

[security]

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