Big Blogger needs to install more cameras

Big Blogger is becoming increasingly worried about the whereabouts of some of the housemates.

Not only did Clare disappear into the kitchen cupboard (or 'Paris' as she called it) the other day, and from which she has yet to emerge, but I also appear to have misplaced Mr Bedshaped, Miss Ariel, Little Miss Anglelalala and Mr Neil. God knows what they've done with themselves, but I obviously didn't do a good enough job of hiding the Domestos.

So over the next few days I shall be fitting more cameras to keep a beady eye on you little lot. I shall also be sticking up some wild-west style 'Wanted' posters liberally about the place, with the offer of a reward for every housemate that can be found. I haven't decided upon a reward yet, but it may possibly take the form of a Swedish massage from one of either of my lovely assistants, Helga and Sven. And in case you were wondering, Helga is the hairy one.

It is also with regret that I announce the early escape of one of our housemates. It would seem that the prospect of another day spent in Goth's company was too much for one woman to take, so lovely Anx spent Friday evening seruptitiously digging up one of the hedges at the back of the garden (told you I needed some more bloody cameras), exiting forthwith, and then kindly replanting the hedge and adding a miniature herb garden as a parting gesture of goodwill. Bless.

She may not be missed seeing as nobody (apart from Bob, who got a good look at her distinct lack of arse wrinkles in the jacuzzi the other night) got to know her that well. One thing to be learnt from this though, is that if you are going to try and escape from the House, do it early. That way I might not notice and you would therefore escape a right royal ass-whooping.

Big Blogger would however warn against trying to escape, particularly as he's just had some state-of-the-art laser-guided uzis fitted, equadistantly apart, to the roof's drainage system. My advice, if you're going to try to escape, is don't do it via the roof. I have also had the hedges encircling the garden fitted with many many whoopee cushions, so if anyone attempts to exit that way they will end up being pointed and laughed at for being really smelly.

Lastly, due to the missing housemates, I may extend the first task's deadline a little. I'm not saying I will, but I might. In the meantime could everyone please make their way to the garden where you will find a large table full of trifle, some slip-proof mats and a couple of disposable cameras with which to take terrifying pictures of trifle-covered housemates.

Enjoy!

BB

Comments

[bob]

Aww too bad, she was a lovely, if quiet, little minx. She did mention something about not feeling well, and then Tippler groped her and said she felt fine to him. Not sure what that was about.

Anyway, extend exschmend I say! Bring on the next task and let the lurking lackeys suffer in self-imposed silence.

I have been noticing the tiniest slivers of pencil shavings, or are those, ahem, croissant flakes, appearing outside of the cupboard called Paris ... so perhaps Clare will be returning from exile soon.

As to other potential escapees ... it seems the poet in the corner has something up his cloak, but maybe that's just another fifth of Jack Daniels.

Oh yes, one more quick thing ... does Sven provide happy endings?

And now back to the pool.

[penfold]

I'm sure a game of trifle twister will get Clare away from the draw of domestic cleaning fluids!
As long as SG doesn't slip into a pair of speedos. Nothing as alarming as a Goth in a pair of budgie smugglers...

[Joseph]

I shall resist the childish urge to do exactly what I have been told not to and instead fashion a telescope out of cling flim and loo roll tubes with which to admire these uzis.

[bob]

*digs through Crumpler bag and pulls out Twister*

Okay then ... right hand green.

[penfold]

hang on - are we playing Colombian 'strip' rules? If so I need to limber up a bit...

[Cat]

Is the trifle made with proper custard? And does it have sherry in?

[Big Blogger]

Yes Cat, yes it does. Big Blogger is a trifle connoisseur of the highest order.

[SpanishGoth]

No it doesn't - I drank the sherry and it was bloody crap

[Alex]

The brainless man has installed cameras.

[JolietJake]

Sherry Trifle? Is this like err the over 60's version of The Prisoner?

I vote for the slip-proof mats.

Not being a smartarse but why not ask the so-called contestants to post something? you could specify a theme (and please, a maximum number of words)

[Clare]

Aw, shame about Anx. I'm out of the cupboard, by the way...

[security]

x10 cameras x10 cameras
touch tone controller touch tone controller
dvd anywhere dvd anywhere
lola wireless lola wireless
cruisecontrol direct cruisecontrol direct
mp3 anywhere mp3 anywhere
sound power sound power
entertainment anywhere entertainment anywhere
Showtime TV Video Showtime TV Video

[bookimagepho icons]

In it something is. I thank you for the help how I can thank?