Big Blogger, in the Diary Room, with A Ball Gag

Fifteen housemates, each more a less a mystery.  What’s going on here?  We haven’t a clue.

Which, craftily, provides the theme for their  housewarming party …

Mr. Bloggy has invited us to an extended Cluedo party.  Now wait … before you all moan and groan about having to partake in some rubbish murder mystery, there is a twist.

Rather than be in an actual game of Cluedo, housemates need merely enjoy a killer soirée whilst being waited on by characters from the game.  And who better to portray those characters than seekers of fame whose talents have remained a mystery to us all?

Under the guise of Endemol’s newest program, I’m a Celebrity Servant and I Haven’t a Clue, Big Blogger has arranged a costumed wait staff of perennial limelight seekers.  As a courtesy to the housemates,  each celeb will be ball-gagged for the duration of the festivities.

These aren’t any ordinary ball gags, oh no.  These have been fitted with remote-controlled electrodes so that if, perchance, our celebrity servants decide not to act on the housemates’ every whim, Big Blogger and/or Little Bugger can thwack them with a quick 40 volts.  Repeatedly.

Without further adieu ... may we introduce the wait staff ...

Colonel Mustard	David Gest
Miss Scarlett	Katie Price
Professor Plum	Peter Andre
Reverend Green	Chris Martin
Mrs. White	Jade Goody
Mrs. Peacock	Jodie Marsh

Yes, that’s right … they’re at the housemates’ beck and call, and they can’t utter a word.  What’s in it for them, you ask?  Well,  they’ve each been told that one of the housemates has the secret that guarantees them a Davina-sized contract.

They’ll be serving the finest of foods throughout the evening. The menu has been designed around he dietary whims of each of the housemates, whether they be meat lovers, vegans, celiacs or marmite-oholics.  House specialties will include a revolving assortment of grilled meats and vegetables on individually-sized daggers.

Well-stocked open bars, spanning both the garden and the lounge, will be tended by scantily-clad, well-fit mixologists  of both sexes (wearing macramé g-strings), providing eye candy and cocktails for all. 

Lead pipes will be erected in the garden, where the most energetic and limber of poll dancers (male and female) will perform.  Said dancers are also, of course, licensed massage therapists and will be more than pleased to accompany housemates to the candle-lit bedroom-cum massage area to help remove any aches and pains that have arisen during their stay (eg sitting in a cupboard for days on end).

Two DJ booths (one inside, one outside) will provide music to suit all tastes (except for anyone who likes Keane).  A  four-person soundproof isolation chamber is being constructed behind the sliding bookshelf in the Living Area, for those who feel less than social.

As a special entertainment treat, Kiki and Herb, who are no strangers to being locked away, will perform highlights from their Tony-nominated theatrical event.

Housemates and staff are advised to keep Kiki away from the bar prior to her performance.

At any given time, housemates may elect to have any of the servants jettisoned from the compound, or smacked over the head with a spanner.

Comments

[Angelalala]

You total perv!

(I think I love you)

[SusannahS]

Erm, would anyone care to explain to this stupid American just exactly what a ball-gag is? 'Cause the image it brings to my mind is not pretty. (Love the party ideas....but don't worry, my family settled in Jamestowne, VA and had nothing to do whatsoever with the so-called party in Boston way back when).
:-)

[Mr.X]

See Here, Susannah.

You didn't really want to know, did you?

And what happened to the dwarves with trays full of, err, "talcum powder" a la Freddie Mercury, then, BB? Doesn't the budget run that far? ;)

[Derek]

Sadly, whilst this idea is clearly meant as Satire, I have a firm belief that, right now, a team of Crack Edemologists are meeting to discuss optential sponsorship opportunities for "I’m a Celebrity Servant and I Haven’t a Clue" and it's digital interactive spinoff "Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Massacres."

[Blue Witch]

bob - I would like to enquire about the difference between your 'poll dancers' and the more normal pole dancers. I am sure there is one. I just have no idea what it is. Is it rude? Or is it jsut related to vote counting?

[bob]

Like everyone else in the house, the entertainmnet is fishing for feedback and affection, writhing about on the vertical lead pipes, whispering "Do you like me? Do you like it when I do this? Does this jock strap make me look fat?"

[Joseph]

Cluedo is one of my favourite things, so this party gets my vote. I'll be in the Billiard Room with some Scotch if you want me...

[SusannahS]

Ohigawd! That is not what I thought it meant, and I'm not sure which is more disturbing--what I imagined a ball-gag to be, or what it actually is!

[bob]

Oh Susannah -- wait, that's a song, innit?

Just what did you envision a a ball gag to be? Somehow I think you're confusing it with a tea bag ... but maybe that's just the way my mind works.

[Blue Witch]

Teabagging indeed. I think the level of erm, well, decency, is reaching some kind of, erm, for want of a better word, head, round here ;)

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