Government Beta.

If we were to be elected, our party would ensure an unfair system ensuring that people with plenty of money would get all the perks. People with little or no money would be fooled in to thinking we were doing all we could for them to have a more comfortable life, but in fact we would just make things tougher by sneakily introducing new taxes or increasing existing taxes and by making benefits even more inaccessible. We would spend more money on things like arms and warmongery instead of education, solving homelessness, healthcare and fighting crime.
Whadya mean, it's no different?!?!

Ooooh....Little bit of politics, Mrs Thatch, Mrs Thatch....

Ok, lemme try again:

• We would build a man-made island for prisoners. Probably off the coast of Scotland somewhere. Not because I have anything against Scotland, but more so because it's normally crapper weather up there and if nothing else, those icy cold nights would make them think again. To add insult to injury, a Big Brother style broadcast set up would be played 24/7 on giant TV screens, showing them all what they were missing out on in the nicer parts of the Country (like Sidcup) because they had been naughty.
• It would be mandatory to have all schoolchildren take a day-trip to said Island to show them what happens if they feel inclined to turn to the dark side.
• The budget for arms and warmongery would be reduced to such an insignificant amount it probably wouldn't be worth bothering with. Instead, all this obscene amount of money would be ploughed into revamping the NHS and education, including huge improvements to pay and conditions to the people who work in such environments.
• Police would enforce a new legislation, called the Pay It Forward Law. Anytime they saw somebody doing a kind dead deed, they would issue an instant monetary reward to the 'good shepherd' who would have the choice of keeping it for themselves or donating it to a charity.
• All empty factory, office buildings and newly emptied prisons would be immediately revamped into apartments, flats and homes for the homeless.
• All unpaid debt owed by people would be wiped clean to give everybody a clean slate. All future loans would be required to be given on a 0% basis and anybody operating as a loan shark or knee breaker company would be sent to 'The Island'.
• Anybody convicted of committing sexual crimes against children would be publicly humiliated and then castrated or given some sort of injection to make their sexual organs dissolve. Or both. They would then be branded with a 'P' symbol on their forehead and sent to 'The Island' where hopefully they would be 'dealt with' accordingly by the other inmates.
• Everybody would be rewarded for any type of recycling that they do, just like the old days when we used to get a little bit of money back for those empty fizzy pop bottles.
• All business meetings would commence only after all those attending had taken a blast on the spliff being passed around.
• Consensual sex laws would all be put at the same age level because it's fucking ridiculous to have it any other way.
• The elderly would receive free Gas and Electric (subject to a fair use policy, see terms and conditions) as well as lots of other perks because....well, because we should look after them, right?
• Taxes in general would be reduced but a new tax would be introduced which takes a small amount from everybody and automatically donates it to various charities.
• Howard Marks would be an honorary member of parliament. And so would Eddie Izzard.
• Once bands announce they are splitting up, they are legally banned from ever reforming under the 'It's a fucking terrible idea' law.
• Anybody acting like a 'boy racer' is given 500 hours community service, wiping old people's bums and then ordered to retake their driving test.
• Employees have the option of working 'flexi time' and if they don't feel 100%, can take a 'duvet day'
• We would promote equality in every way, shape and form for all sexes, sexual preference, colour, race or creed, religion etc etc. Anybody found not adopting the 'All You Need Is Love' policy would be put into public stocks and subjected to 48 hours of rotten fruit pounding. Repeat offenders would be dealt with on The Jerry Springer Show and then probably sent to 'The Island'.

That pretty much sums up our policies, but of course once we're voted in, we will conveniently forget everything we promised.
So when you're at the voting booth, just remember....Vote 'None of the above'.

Comments

[ordinary girl]

Yet again I find myself loving all these points. Although could I just clarify point 4 - "Anytime they saw somebody doing a kind DEAD..."???

Typical politicians, trying to sneak something in ;-)

[bedshaped]

I have no idea what you're talking about og.
*ahem*

[SpanishGoth]

I like Howard - doing a real public service thing. As for Izzard - class - 'Le singe est dans l'arbre'

[Clare]

YEs yes yes to most of that, particularly the stuff about spliffs. And money. And old people.

[delboys daughter]

Genius!
And dont forget the students and lone parents !!!