After spending the last five hours trapped in an elevator a
red headed Englishman dressed in dark jeans and a blue T-Shirt (with the
British flag in the shape of a space invader on it) finally approaches the Big
Blogger house. He seems to be about 5’8 and has green eyes. Behind him he drags
a suitcase with a squeaky wheel. He enters the house and introduces himself to
the other house mates.
“Hi. It’s nice to meet you all. I didn’t think I was going
to be able to make it in time for a moment there. Anyway, my name is Stuart
(aka: Invader Stu). I’m a 28 year old Englishman who has spent the last six
years living in Holland. I didn’t plan to move there but the job I was applying for at the time did not
think it was important to provide certain details such as the country the
company was in. Luckily for me it turned out to be a real company and not just
a group of shady characters trying to steal my kidneys. That’s why I work for a
computer games company in Amsterdam and still have all my own internal organs. Originally I had dreams of becoming a Ghostbuster when I grew up but sadly I did not pass the paranormal
investigation and elimination exam.”
“I’m a very friendly person with a good sense of humor but
if I miss an episode of Lost or Heroes I can get a little grumpy. I can also be
very accident prone at times. Plus I seem to attract strange events. This means
I have a lot of bizarre stories to tell which I might share with you all
later.”
“Oh… and sometimes my sense of reality can get a little
mixed up. So if you see me running around the house with a shotgun screaming
that the zombies are coming there is no really reason to worry…. It just means
I spent the last six ours playing Resident Evil.”
“As a dyslexix dyslcic dyslexic person I will slowly be
driving the grammar police insane which some people might find entertaining to
watch. It will be a question of what snaps first; their sanity or my neck at
their hands.”
“I’m also a great cook but don’t ask me to cook anything
with rice. For some reason I have been un-able to master this simple food item
so it usually tastes like a sickly rat with bad breath decided to end its life
by jumping into the boiling pot while my back was turned. But I am really good
at Mexican food… honest.”
“I can also provide more pop-culture references then you can
shake a stick at.”
“In my suitcase with the squeaky wheel I have brought a few
pairs of jeans, several t-shirts with different pop-culture references and
jokes on them, a couple of shirts and my James Bond tuxedo... just in case. I
also have a lot of beer and wine in here, a couple of my favorite DVDs and
books, my I-Pod, my Nintendo Wii so I can give everyone in the house repetitive
strain injury, and… a bag of rabbit food? I’m not sure how that got in there.
Oh well… we have it now if we need it.”
“For the prize I have brought this bit of lint… not good
enough? Everyone is a critic. Alright then, how about this wheel of Dutch cheese?”
Short pause
Looks at cat girl and asks, “Didn’t I see you in Amsterdam a few days ago?”
Hello Stu!!
I hope you don't think being a grammar policeman makes me a bastard. People who genuinely struggle have my sympathy and support. It's the ones that never bother to learn that I want strung up.
Posted by: Joseph | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 13:28
Hi Joseph
It's ok. I don't think you or another grammar police are bastards. I was just making a joke out of the situation. I was poking fun at myself really :)
Posted by: Invader Stu | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 13:36
Can we all poke you?
Lost and Heroes fan here too. Can't believe it ended like that. Sigh.
Posted by: Delboys Daughter | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 13:42
You can only poke me above the waist. Maybe when I know you all better I will change the rules.
Posted by: Invader Stu | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 13:48
how to cook rice:
rinse the rice. measure into pan one part rice to two parts cold water. add salt. put lid on pan. turn on cooker. bring to boil, then simmer gently until all the water's gone.
and most importantly, do not stir it!
are you impressed? ;)
Posted by: little bugger | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 13:58
I'm impressed by how I still manage to mess it up :p
I always leave it in for too long or too little.
Posted by: Invader Stu | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 14:15
Ooohh. Very exciting to see everyone rolling in. *waves empty martini glass and hopes for refill*
Looking forward to discussing who's in the coffin with you, Stu.
Haven't seen the end of Heroes yet, but it's on my iPod. So shhhhhh.
Posted by: bob | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 14:31
Erm, not that you're in a coffin with anyone. I'll shall rephrase.
Looking forward to exchanging theories with you about who is in the coffin.
There. Better much.
Posted by: bob | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 14:33
I was worried there for a moment. That sounded like a threat :p
Posted by: Invader Stu | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 14:36
Eeeek. I feel guilty about the punctuation police thing now - I promise not to be mean. However when I see mistakes in signs, books, magazines and so on it makes me so mad my teeth itch.
Posted by: Cat | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 14:51
Stu...It's ok, I wouldn't presume to poke you below the waist. Might get me finger stuck.
Bob how can you truly enjoy the beauty that is Heroes on an ipod?
Oh wait.
Is this an 'i'm in the house and have brought it in with me' fake thing?
I'm not with the programme yet am I?
Posted by: Delboys Daughter | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 15:57
Well, there are strange policemen in this world, this odd, weird world... Have a look at FRANK SIROCO
http://www.youtube.com/aleskander62
Posted by: Alex | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 17:15
Invader Stu...
Posted by: Alex | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 17:19
alex i'm going to beat you around the head with a pair of socks if you start being mental over here as well ;)
Posted by: little bugger | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 17:39
If I'd known how fit some of the residents of Big Blogger are, I'd have nominated myself for inclusion.
As it is: c'mon Joseph and Cat.
*Pressing redial*
Posted by: Misssymartin | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 18:57
I can't see anything wrong with having a piece of lint as a grand prize. Can you?
Posted by: Big Blogger | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 22:15
Del's D -- No, it's really on my iPod and if push comes to shove I can watch it there ... but I'd prefer to see it on a big screen. Has it finished in the UK yet?
Posted by: bob | Friday, 01 June 2007 at 23:27
I don't know if heroes has finished in the UK but since I am an internet pirate I have seen them all... whoops... did I just admit to something I should not have?
Posted by: Invader Stu | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 00:12
Stu - Welcome, you seem to be the Graham Norton of the house, which is ok right, because he doesn't know how to cook right either.
Won't do you any harm I promise - but, I have a master plan and it does not involve flip-flops, shorts or shagging people
Posted by: SpanishGoth | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 01:25
Cheerleader saved. World in less danger. Cockroaches always survive and Hiro's in 17th Century Japan.
I'm up to speed.
Posted by: bob | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 01:35
Did anyone bring Marmite?
Posted by: Tippler | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 13:51
hullo invader stu. enidd has some sticky brown substance on her shirt, which may be marmite...
Posted by: enidd | Sunday, 03 June 2007 at 10:06
Ooh, bizarre stories right up my street. Next time I can't sleep I'll remember to wake you up and get you to tell me a bizarre story...
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