...I was going to go to the loo on the plane but they've reduced the legroom in Ryan Air by another 47mm and my knees got wedged into the tray mechanism on the seat in front so by the time the team of Croatian stewardesses had found a crow bar and some hypo-allergenic lubricant we were already in Stanstead.
I was just about to duck off at arrivals when the chauffeur from Big Blogger manhandled me straight into the back of his Renault 4 quicker than you can say 'I'm a blogger get me out of here' - I was shoved into the house and immediately cornered into a discussion about lip gloss and mascara. I explained that as a surfer I'm bound to use a high quality waterproof eye makeup and during the awed silence that followed I legged it into the Khasi and that's when I heard the electronic deadbolts go clunk! After I'd had as much fun as one man can alone in a bathroom with nothing to play with but some mild hand soap and cheap kleenex my mind turned to developing an escape plan.
Luckily I managed to cunningly fashion an exact copy of a PH2 screw driver using a loo roll holder and one of my earings and removed one of the panels behind the bidet. I found a small service conduit that leads to the dried food storage facility so I've been living off mung beans and green lentils. I've also made this rather attractive matching necklace and bracelet combo....
Anyway - a severely disgruntled and alarmingly large security guard, by the name of Geoff, muttered something about 'not getting this kind of bollocks off my budgies' and folded me back into the conduit - during which time someone in the control tower at Big Blogger had discovered my lack of whereabouts and unlocked the door.
I'm wearing an Einstein 'surf genius' t-shirt. I have a small but powerful chainsaw and some Wurther's originals in my suitcase. One of these will be a prize - not sure which yet.
I intend to bring joy and sarcasm to the house but viewers may be alarmed at lack of hidden depths.
Have I missed anything?
(Idly starts chainsaw and starts to topiarise a sofa into a scale model of the Taj Mahal)
I'm Penfold by the way....
You haven't got that much hair.
Posted by: Daddy Papersurfer | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 11:09
I seem to be missing my Wurther's Originals.
Posted by: Daddy Papersurfer | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 11:12
Good work getting the chainsaw past Geoff.
Note to self: get a decent security contractor next time around.
Posted by: Big Blogger | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 11:29
Hello, Penfold - I'm feeling distinctly anxious about your chainsaw...
Posted by: Cat | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 12:15
But what happened to Dangermouse? - did you practise chainsaw on him?
Posted by: SpanishGoth | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 12:42
Hello Penfold and welcome. Hmm, just how handy are you with the chainsaw? I didn't have time to get a haircut before the pedicab driver picked me up.
Haven't had it cut since I was made hairodynamic for the Flora Marathon, and I fear it's getting a little bushy.
Posted by: bob | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 13:13
Dad - you may as well be in the house with all this comment stalking...
BB - Geoff is a pussycat if you know how to stroke him...
Cat - ne fret pas, I am a qualified calligrophist.
SG - unfortunately he gave up his life of crimebusting and is restoring church gargoyles in the French Alps.
Bob - no probs - I am all over your bush - just let me top up my 2 stroke...
Posted by: penfold | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 13:33
I thought you might be lonely
Posted by: Daddy Papersurfer | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 19:57
Why have you drawn a picture of me? I know you don't like to admit it but your beard is way more gingery than that.
Posted by: Tiggz | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 22:20
gingerly - as in tentative? My beard is bold and fearless...
Posted by: penfold | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 22:55
Indeed it is, and very very ginger, as if a miniature Mick Hucknall is growing on your chin.
Posted by: Tiggz | Saturday, 02 June 2007 at 23:50
Stupid mouse - no wonder he only has one eye..
Posted by: SpanishGoth | Sunday, 03 June 2007 at 01:22
I think DM was very wise to retire when he did and let the new school take over - Power Rangers/Transformers - far better equipped to deal with the villains of the 90's. He was lucky he only lost an eye...
Posted by: penfold | Sunday, 03 June 2007 at 10:23
Tiggz - are you looking to restart the great spamming war of '84?
Posted by: penfold | Sunday, 03 June 2007 at 10:26
you flippin' hippy, look at that rainbow.
Posted by: lucy | Sunday, 03 June 2007 at 12:22
Lucinha - I'm not the one with no shoes, dungarees and pig tails (tell me that isn't how you are dressed today!!)...
Posted by: penfold | Sunday, 03 June 2007 at 13:10
The great spamming war of '84? I don't remember that one. Do you think that's what turned your beard ginger in the first place?
Posted by: Tiggz | Sunday, 03 June 2007 at 21:56
Just you wait 'til I get out of this house - I'll wipe that very dark and attractive beard right off your face!
Posted by: penfold | Sunday, 03 June 2007 at 21:59
hi penfold! moving swiftly away from beard-talk, enidd loves the little drawstring on your head. what comes out if you pull it?
Posted by: enidd | Monday, 04 June 2007 at 05:19
I'm afraid you'll just have to give it a good yank and see what happens...
Posted by: penfold | Monday, 04 June 2007 at 21:45
with a due sense of trepidation and dread... enidd yanks.
Posted by: enidd | Tuesday, 05 June 2007 at 11:00
Enidd - you should open your eyes 'cos I'm not sitting down...
Good hearty grip and a sturdy yank you have there - nice...
Posted by: penfold | Tuesday, 05 June 2007 at 13:36
That is one beautiful necklace and bracelet, and I particularly like the PS2 motif (particularly as I understand what you mean - oh hang on, no I don't). Next time I find a centipede I'm making myself a necklace.
Posted by: Clare | Thursday, 07 June 2007 at 22:00