One Day

Politics are not my strongest suit. So I’ve focussed on small changes which will make me a happier person. And if I’m happy, other people will be too. Probably.

Behold - Cat’s manifesto to make Britain great again.

1) Workplace meetings will last no more than 30 minutes. Chocolate biscuits and decent coffee will be provided for every meeting, and no meeting will ever take place before 10am, during lunchtime, or at any point on a Friday.

2) Anyone sporting open-toed shoes will be required, by law, to have a weekly pedicure. Women (or men) with skanky feet and cracked heels will be jailed.

3) Ticket touts will be made to go to Coldplay gigs, then sentenced to community service, where their punishment will be to pedicure the worst offenders above.

4) People in possession of Keane CDs will be given (music) therapy, in the form of seven solid days of listening to the genius of the Smiths. Keane themselves will be hunted down and face a public firing squad, headed up by my good self.

5) Misuse of apostrophes will incur written punishments, to be corrected by me. (Yes, I will be a very busy girl.) The grammar and punctuation police will patrol the written word, paying particular attention to signage. Txt msg spk will be banned, even in txt msgs.

6) Adults who cycle on pavements will face a hefty jail sentence. (I don’t care where you come from. If you’re over the age of 12, you should be cycling on the road. Not creeping up behind me and making me wet my pants with the fear as I walk to work listening to my iPod of a morning.)

7) Novelty mobile phone ringtones will cease to exist. Along with communal changing rooms.

8) Men with facial hair must check their beards for stray food particles prior to appearing in public.

9) Two Pints of Lager and Packet of Crisps (which makes a mockery of my license fee) will never, ever be shown on television again.

And (10) on a more serious note, everyone will be entitled to free dental treatment - by a non-butcher - on the NHS.

One Day - Bjork

Comments

[penfold]

Cat for president. Although there is no crime feesible that deserves no.3...

[Cat]

Penfold, was that the Coldplay bit of number three or the feet bit?

[bedshaped]

R u 4 real?

[penfold]

The Coldplay bit. I'm sure he's very lovely and is nice to kittens and stuff but he is a miserable, drony git...

[Concerned Sidcup resident]

All of the above, including 6 but - what about people who walk about in an iPod bubble?

[Cat]

Bedshaped, Y?

Penfold, he and Gwynnie are one of my least liked sleb couples. There's something far too wholesome about them.

Concerned from Sidcup, guilty as charged. But I don't have the volume up loud enough for anyone else to hear.

[ordinary girl]

Oh I think I'm voting for Cat!
Although couldn't we just ban men with facial hair full stop!

(And cannot agree with 2pts! I love it! And may have a secret (and fairly disturbing) crush on Ralph Little!)

PS. How can you love The Smiths and hate Coldplay?

[penfold]

Wholesome - pffft!
Facial hair? I'll get my coat.....

[Clare]

[pauses to inspect feet for signs of skankiness]

[heaves sigh of relief]

The meeting stuff sounds great... but couldn't we just ban meetings altogether?

Novelty ringtones, yes yes yes, but in number five (the one about grammar) you put your full stop inside your parentheses (which is not technically correct).

And I think Two Pints of Lager and Packet of Crisps is kinda cute.

[runs for cover]

[Cat]

OG, how can you even put Coldplay and the Smiths in the same sentence, you cheeky monkey?!

Penfold, facial topiary? Not a winner in the Cat House!

Clare, glad to hear you don't have skanky feet, but on the grammar front, the bit in the brackets is a complete sentence, and comes between two complete sentences, so the full stop should go inside the closing bracket. Okay?!