Hello there. Sorry I’m a bit late but like Mr Angry, I was a late call-up after being second Reserve-In-Waiting so it’s been a bit of a mad rush to get the milk and papers cancelled and organise a sitter to look after my ageing parents. Seriously, try calling a temp agency on a Sunday and asking for “someone to cook, clean and constantly wipe up drool” and you’ll see what I mean.
I’m Neil, by the way, and I’m Scottish so naturally I entered the house resplendent in simple black t-shirt and clan kilt and immediately challenged someone to a fight. You know who you are (although I don’t ‘cause I’m crap at remembering names) and you probably didn’t mean any harm so apologies if I was a bit over-aggressive. But let’s face it, if the first words of introduction from your lips include the phrases “got any underwear” and “back door-sneakin’”, then you really only have yourself to blame.
When I’m not resorting to extreme violence after sexuality misunderstandings, I like to relax with a sudoku puzzle in a warm soapy bath of sandalwood and ginseng and listen to my favourite music, especially something catchy like Keane or Coldplay. I notice that most of the housemates seem to have brought along one of those fancy new iPod things so I hope I won’t look out of place when I unpack my trusty Walkman. I’ve also brought my guitar ‘cause my old band are getting back together for a gig at the end of July and I really need to learn a fourth chord.
Generally, I’m quite a tidy and ordered soul, so as long as everyone remembers that the toilet paper hangs with the flappy bit down the front, we’ll get on great. Other than that – oh, and the canned-goods-in-strict-alphabetical-order thing – I’m a pretty easy-going and considerate guy. In fact there are really only two things I hate in this world.
1. People who are intolerant of other people’s culture…
2. And the Dutch.
NO! WAIT! I’m just kidding Stu; it’s an Austin Powers joke. Put the shotgun back down gently on top of your James Bond suit. There you go, no harm done.
Anyway, if I can refrain from punching anyone (or getting my brains splattered all over the wall) I’ll probably be quite a quiet and reserved housemate at first until I suss everyone out. I’m not always comfortable in situations that involve social interaction (hence the reason I started writing a blog… irony, eh?) so as long as we’re not forced into playing any stupid, contrived party games, I’ll probably continue with the strong, silent persona. Once some of the more mouthy housemates start to annoy everyone, I’ll swoop in with some devastating charm and see if any of the girls are up for it.
I notice there are a lot of addictive personalities in the house so it’s just as well I brought a mountain of strong coffee, a dozen jumbo slabs of chocolate (Cadburys. For the ladies.) and a ton of Marlboro Ultra Lights; the ones with the cool white filter. Elsewhere in my backpack I have jeans, t-shirts, a Scotland football strip, a favourite black denim jacket, a poster of Gillian Anderson, the last Harry Potter novel, a Jamie Oliver cookbook, “The Da Vinci Code”, “Devastating Charm for Dummies”, my 80s mix tapes, 200 pencils and a couple of bottles of Highland Park - the finest of all malt whiskys - one of which will be offered as a prize to the lucky bastard who wins.
I think that about covers everything… now where’s the girl with the pencil-huggin’ boobs?
Cheers, Neil
Welcome! And now the gang's all here.
Well, except for Clare. She's still in the cupboard aka Paris.
And of all things to be intrigued by ... Marlboro Ultra Lights have a white filter here? I didn't know they sold MULs here. Or is that just in Scotland? In the States, the regular Marlboro Lights have a white filter and the ones I get in London ... oh look, here's one right here in my hand ... have a brown filter.
Hmm, the things you learn.
*lights up*
*takes another ADD tablet*
*coughs*
*wonders why I always restart smoking when the ban's about to begin*
Are we allowed to smoke in here?
Posted by: bob | Monday, 04 June 2007 at 22:34
I'm only in the house 'cause smoking's been banned in Scotland for nearly a year... cheers for the brown filter... let's enjoy it while we can.
Posted by: Neil | Monday, 04 June 2007 at 23:08
Neil, please tell Big Blogger that you were joking about everything in that post.
If you don't I shall be upset, and I must warn you that I may cry.
Posted by: Big Blogger | Monday, 04 June 2007 at 23:16
Big Blogger - you'll find that a session in the diary room with Little Blogger can be very warm and comforting in times of need (depending on her blood to tequila ratio)...
Posted by: penfold | Monday, 04 June 2007 at 23:21
lovely to meet you neil.
anyone fancy a game of spin the bottle? ;)
Posted by: little bugger | Monday, 04 June 2007 at 23:22
Joking? JOKING? Do you think I'd make fun of my parents' excessive drooling?
Posted by: Neil | Monday, 04 June 2007 at 23:34
Oh my gawd, it's a geezer in a skirt!
I'd leave the trifle if I were you, babe. All that oust I sprayed and it still stinks of kipper...
Posted by: Angelalala | Monday, 04 June 2007 at 23:38
You just mentioned my favourite ever quote!
'1. People who are intolerant of other people’s culture…
2. And the Dutch.'
Laugh? I nearly shat.
Posted by: Geoff The Security Guard | Monday, 04 June 2007 at 23:47
You like Keane? Fuck off and get a life. When you've got one, you can have some of my Jack Daniels. You only escaped from death because you hate the Dutch - I do too. See
But welcome to the house
Posted by: SpanishGoth | Tuesday, 05 June 2007 at 04:02
How old are you dear? Are you legal?
Posted by: Honey | Tuesday, 05 June 2007 at 06:46
hullo, neil. enidd thinks you look a little too young (and cute) to be smoking, but hey. you also look as if someone's shoved a deep-fried mars bar up your kilt, sharply.
Posted by: enidd | Tuesday, 05 June 2007 at 07:27
Keane? Coldplay? Jamie Oliver? Next it will be Edith Bowman...
Posted by: Cat | Tuesday, 05 June 2007 at 09:57
Hey Neil. Give them laldie! I forgive you Coldplay but since you're a Keane housemate, you deserve to stay in...!
Posted by: Helena | Tuesday, 05 June 2007 at 20:31
"hangs with the flappy bit down the front"
Too right! We'll get on just fine.
"a dozen jumbo slabs of chocolate"
Even better.
"where’s the girl with the pencil-huggin’ boobs?"
Here I am!
Posted by: Clare | Thursday, 07 June 2007 at 22:20
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Posted by: bride | Thursday, 25 October 2007 at 01:02