I'm in a bar on Decatur and it's late. My lady has given up on me and the night - one too many Jagermeisters for both of us has made the decision easy for her.
It's a tiny place, only enough room for a wall of spirits, a few stools and a couple of booths. Postcards pinned into the peeling paint tell of customers that left their hearts behind in this mystical town.
The jukebox, a rattling old Wurlitzer is scratching through some pearls of New Orleans - Lowell Fulson is asking me to 'Reconsider Baby' just one more time before I stagger two doors down to my tiny third floor room. I should have gone back with Louise but I'd crossed the threshold and was on a mission...
I find myself chatting and laughing and talking shit with a bunch of guys from out of town. Musicians on tour. They seem cool, blowing off some steam after a gig. We settle into a booth and get serious with a few shots and then a bottle hits the table.
At some point and I have no idea how, the converation turns to circumcision. American boys all get cut. It's a health issue apparently - although I've never met anyone who ever died from a dirty foreskin.
It turns out that every person around the table and indeed the bar has been circumcised as a child. Except me.
Not only that but I'm the only person that's even seen a foreskin.
So before you can say 'Christ - he's got his knob out!' I'm standing up, I'm unzipping and demonstrating the Great British foreskin in all it's rubbery glory. Slapped right on the table for all to see...
For some reason everyone feels they have to go home (including the barman) and the evening is concluded.
I realise this isn't exactly 'sexual' but it definitely involved my genitals and indeed vast amounts of embarrassment as the story greeted me with every public outing after for weeks - all beautifully compounded when the barman informed me the next day that I'd been waving my knob at 3/4 of a small band from Georgia known as REM...
Hmm. I think that counts as an embarrassing genital experience rather than a sexual one.
So I'm gonna need a sexual experience please Mr Penfold. And that isn't a proposition.
Posted by: Big Blogger | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 17:34
Next time I see Peter Buck I'll ask him if he remembers you fondly...
Posted by: Big Blogger | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 17:34
If I fail the task do I get double evicted?
Posted by: penfold | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 18:19
Also it surely depends on your definition of sexual - the sight of me getting my todger out in front of a bunch of strangers and slapping it on the table might be a humungous turn on for some people. Just 'cos it doesn't get you all chubby...
Posted by: penfold | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 18:22
err, err...
Posted by: Big Blogger | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 18:25
Come on! Spit it out...
Posted by: penfold | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 18:36
If anybody is actually turned on by this then let your voice be heard!
I think that if you just do a quick update about some shagging then our (miniscule) audience will have had their appetites sated.
Oui?
Posted by: Big Blogger | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 20:13
Well, I got a slight 'touch' on, if that helps any. Although I have to admit, it was the thought of REM being there. *ahem*
Posted by: bedshaped | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 20:22
No, really, honestly, that's quite enough as it is.
And the hygiene issue is for the benefit of the unlucky females you've - favoured?
Speaking of hygiene, on the TABLE???
Posted by: K Papersurfer | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 20:27
I am so proud
Posted by: Daddy Papersurfer | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 20:38
BB - I rest my case. If bedshaped's getting stirred then sexual it is!
Bedshaped - you old hound dog you...
Mumsy, don't panic I wiped it first (the table).
Dad - get back in the cupboard. It's getting busy in there...
Posted by: penfold | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 20:54
I think you should have told this story for the "encounter with famous people" task...
Posted by: Cat | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 21:06
I've scuppered myself now. Double eviction looms...
Posted by: penfold | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 21:16
Let's be honest, it's not actually possible to be doubly evicted, so I think you're safe in regards to that. Plus if bedshaped gets aroused at the though of a wee Penfold willybob, then I suppose this story has to be regarded as 'sexual'.
I still think you should do another post, just because. So there.
Posted by: Big Blogger | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 21:51
Oi. There's no need to start insulting my wee willybob!(how did you find out his name? Who's been blabbing?)
Posted by: penfold | Sunday, 22 July 2007 at 22:22
Did you sing 'it's the end of the knob as we know it and I feel fine?
Posted by: Angelalala | Monday, 23 July 2007 at 01:03
'The sidewinder sleeps tonight', surely...
Posted by: Tippler | Monday, 23 July 2007 at 09:39
It was the end of the knob as they didn't know it. But it still felt fine...
Posted by: penfold | Monday, 23 July 2007 at 19:27