Telling Stories

Once upon a time, not so long ago, there lived a bloke called Big Blogger - Big Blogger was good, but because of his appearance, people assumed he was horrid. There's no easy way of saying this, but Big Blogger was pot ugly. He was as wide as he was tall. His teeth were rotten and full of holes. His eyes looked in two different directions. People were afraid of Big Blogger. Which was a shame, as in actual fact Big Blogger was really quite a nice chap. All he wanted was for people to like him. And a nice lady to be his wife. Big Blogger felt sad when people went out of their way to avoid him. Sometimes he cried. Big Blogger was very sensitive and something of a new man. And after being rejected one too many times, Big Blogger decided that he'd give up.

Big Blogger moved into a creepy old castle. The castle sat on top of a hill, and was surrounded by a deep, dark forest. Hardly anyone went near the castle, and Big Blogger hardly ever went out. He ordered all his groceries online, and the delivery men left them at the bottom of the drive. Big Blogger would sneak out in the dead of night and collect them so no-one spotted him. Big Blogger read lots of books, which he had delivered from Amazon, and watched more Channel 4 than was good for him. Unfortunately, the castle was so deep in the forest that Big Blogger was unable to get Sky.

Big Blogger's castle was known as the Big Blogger House, and local people wandered who the mysterious man that lived there was. Schoolchildren dared one another to knock on the door and run away, but none were brave enough to go through the forest. One little boy, Wayne, was particularly fascinated with Big Blogger and the Big Blogger House. His mum (who was on her own as Wayne's dad had scarpered with the barmaid from the Cock and Feathers) told Wayne not to go near the Big Blogger House and to keep out of the forest. Wayne's mum, Mercedes, was afraid that Big Blogger would catch Wayne and eat him all up.

Kids will be kids though, and Wayne ignored his mum. One Wednesday afternoon, Wayne made his way through the forest and walked up the path to the Big Blogger House. The sun was shining, so Wayne didn't feel afraid. He climbed the steps to the door, and, taking a deep breath, he knocked. Wayne waited. And Big Blogger came to the door. Big Blogger was very surprised to get a visitor! Wayne was a well brought up young man, and he hid his revulsion at Big Blogger's appearance. When Big Blogger invited him to come in and watch Richard and Judy with him, he was very pleased, and the two passed a happy hour eating Mr Kipling's Fondant Fancies and drinking Red Bull. Big Blogger explained to Wayne that he'd had to retire from polite society because of his appearance. Wayne told Big Blogger that his mum had always said he shouldn't judge people by the way they looked. He told Big Blogger that his mum would love to meet him, and that she had been single for far too long. Wayne said he would arrange for the two of them to have dinner together.

Big Blogger was very, very excited about meeting a nice lady. He had a bath, trimmed his nasal hair and put on a clean vest and pants. Mercedes was less than thrilled about being set up, and very cross with Wayne for going to the Big Blogger House when she had expressly told him not to. Nonetheless, she'd not had any action for ages, so she bleached her tache, put on her mini skirt and her platform shoes, and they set off through the forest together.

Mercedes and Wayne stood on Big Blogger's doorstep, waiting for him to answer the door. Mercedes carried a bottle of Lambrusco, and Wayne had some Fererro Rocher. They waited, and waited. No-one came. Big Blogger didn't answer the door. He hid behind a chest of drawers. Because although he was lonely and really, really wanted to meet a nice lady, he'd become so used to being by himself that the prospect was, frankly, terrifying.

The visitors waited a while longer, then realised that Big Blogger wasn't going to answer. Wayne and Mercedes thought that Big Blogger must have gone out, and that he was a very rude man. "Come on, Wayne", said Mercedes, "Let's go back to the flat and watch Shameless. That Big Blogger is bad."

(Big Blogger remained in solitude until he was joined in his house by 15 random nutters, which tipped him over the edge and he had a complete breakdown. Not all endings are happy. Mercedes married a van driver named Kevin, and Wayne surprised everyone by going to university and becoming a member of the Labour cabinet.)

Telling Stories - The Charlatans

Comments

[penfold]

That's so sad...
*sniff*
I'll never be mean to BB again. At least for a few minutes anyway...

[Clare]

[sob]

And now I will have to go give Big Blogger a big hug and offer to have all his babies, just to make him feel better.

[sniffle]

[Angelalala]

Awww. He should have looked in the self-help section of Amazon!