timboblog

Things I Hate: Chris Martin (No. 1 in a series)

Apart from Ricky Gervais and The General Public, this knob is top of my hit list. In fact, such is my detestation that I'm not even going to give him the pleasure of having his picture on my site. He'd love that. He'd probably get really turned on by the thought, then act all modest and coy (act badly), so that anyone paying any real attention would easily spot what a publicity-loving, bollocks-talking (or not talking...) contemptable bag of piss he really is.

He of the seemingly sarcastic "It's good you came to see us now, before we go Bon Jovi massive." comments at Glastonbury in 2000, and of the "I don't really like talking about stuff" remark to an interviewer on Radio 4. Not when it doesn't concern how bloody famous and great you are, you don't! Who goes on the radio to be interviewed, then sulks off halfway through because he doesn't like having to think about what he's being asked? When some cheesy twat on Radio 1 asks him whether he likes his eggs fried or scrambled, that's fine. But ask him why he gave his album a faux-meaningful title and he gets all reticent. Poor baby.

To recap: 1) He's super arrogant. 2) He's all mouth and no substance. 3) His lyrics are pretentious and meaningless ('Yellow' was named after a Yellow Pages for fuck's sake). 4) He wears t-shirts that say shit like 'Stop Handgun Violence'. I mean, the sentiment is all well and good, but on a t-shirt? I don't think so. 5) He can't even sing very well. Which is a bit of an issue for me, seeing as he's a singer. 6) Bad hair. Bad bad hair. 7) And bad teeth. 8) Simon Pegg (UGH!) is the godfather of one of his kids and was even allowed to sing on one of Coldplay's tracks. Double UGH. 9) This is unverified, but I bet any money he really loves Ricky Gervais.

That's enough of him.

Here's some quality goodness from the mouths of Joan Wasser and Rufus W.

CLICKY 4 MUZAK!!!

And here is where to go to read all about Peach and Ariel's (amongst others) new blook (it's a blog-book apparently), and to be honest, if you're reading this blog you probably already know about this, but anyway. It's for charidee, and it has lots of bloggers' wordage in it. Not mine sadly, as I was on hiatus while the wheels were in motion. But rest assured I may possibly get my arse in gear if there ever happens to be a Blook Mk II. So go and buy it or something, and if you buy 250 copies (which by my reckoning would set you back a cool 3,125 of your Earth pounds) Ariel will even go on a coffee date with you. For that money I'd expect a muffin, newspaper, and possibly a foot massage as well, but I'm not buying 250 copies of it, so maybe the person who does will have slightly lower expectations than me. For Ariel's sake I can only hope that that is the case.

Dave (of e-luv fame) is also releasing a new book soon, which is all rather spiffing if you ask me, so good for him! You must all rush out to your, erm, computer, and buy it.

This post is dedicated to Cat, who I know hates Chris Martin almost as much as me, and has a cool new haircut, so good for her too! (Good for everyone!)

Shaggy

Sadly, not the brilliant Jamaican reggae artiste, but the book by Mike and the inhabitants of the land of Blog. I've read one page so far (I'm a quick reader) and apart from a stray 't' it's a jolly professional looking effort all round. Most impressive, as Darth Vader once said.

I'm still not in it though.

Oh well, as someone somewhere said, there's always next year. There will be a next year WON'T THERE MIKE? (calm, deep breaths, inhale, exhale...pppffffuuuuuugghhhhh...)

The Shaggy Blog Stories flickr group

Back with Lego

Christmas is over and I've survived without having to eat any putrid skate or alternatively any par-boiled haggis, which is definitely a superb result, as I was dreading both of those things terribly. I hope you all had fun. I had the most lovely time, chiefly involving some cheap red wine, a dram of port, chunks of sexy gammon and smoky bacon with sausages, a box of complicated technics Lego and some quite fantastic DVD's. The FOTCR*, as Witchy refers to it, has left me all swoony and flushed, and we have so much food left it's totally fucking ridiculous.

I've also had a bit of a redesign (that's not like me, I hear you say) and like it a lot. Timbomedia, Timbofoto and the homepage have all been tweaked too, so it's a more cohesive and colourful Timbo experience all round. If you don't like it then in all seriousness, bollocks to you.

I said a short while back that I would review Dave's lovely book, and being a man of my word (as I've mentioned before I'm sure) I will. Not that I have ever done a proper review before, therefore this really won't be a proper review so please forgive me in advance for my utter crapness. I try, which is endearing, but I fail miserably, which isn't. But Dave's book, e-luv, which you can read here in it's entirety (in PDF format so make sure that you have Abode Reader on your computer please) is a nice easy read and must be good because I read it in three days which is some kind of record for me, seeing as it's currently taken me 9 months and counting to read the last of the three Lord of the Rings books (yes I know, The Return of the King; leave me alone all you Tolkien-botherers...). I once read Roald Dahl's Danny the Champion of the World in a day, but that was a long time ago when I was still in pampers, so I'm not sure if I can count that. Anyway, it's all about a dirty internet perv with no life who has problems with his skin and wouldn't stand a chance attracting anyone face to face, so resorts to spending his life online in an attempt to get into ladies pants. Which is fine until cybersex turns into very probable real life sex. It sounds depressing and would be if it wasn't for the fact that the protagonist is a funny bastard, and it's a fact that I laughed a right old gutful whilst reading this, which for me is it's most endearing quality. It also rolled along majestically until the last two or three chapters where the pace became more choppy and disjointed. It was almost as if the book was written in two parts; one where there was no pressure and it all flowed onto the page, and then one where a hasty deadline was put on it and it was rushed out quick pronto. Sorry, but that's what it seemed like. Which was a terrible shame because I really think the book deserved a fitting conclusion. I still liked the ending, being the old romantic that I am, but I wanted it to fit the rest of the book more comfortably. So Dave, if you could please do us a directors cut just for me (it's my birthday soon, so be a good boy) I would be awfully happy and I promise to stop chucking my toys out of my pram. Aside from that it's also worth a read if you have any prior knowledge of internet chatrooms, as Mr Roberts rips the absolute piss out of them and their users quite brilliantly. His characterisations (which must have been based on real chatroom users) had me in hysterics and took me back to when I used to on occasion frequent the afore-mentioned chatrooms. You live and you learn. Thinking about it, if you haven't used a chatroom and were perhaps thinking about doing so, read this book. It will help you make the right decision. Dave has latched onto a bit of a niche market, which means his book probably won't sell that well (as currently proven by the emptiness of his fridge), but it's a market nonetheless.

So I recommend e-luv because it's a pleasing, belly-laugh-inducing read from start to finish, but I would perhaps wait for an updated edition with a Timbo approved ending to come along before giving Dave your money. That said, Dave is a top bloke, so buy it now you bastards or else you'll have me to deal with, and I'm big and scary and I know where you all live cos I'm a crazy internet stalker.

Only kidding.

*Feast of the Cash Register - not particularly festive in purely descriptive terms, but sums it ('it' includes the big fat hole in my bank balance) all up quite nicely in my humble opinion.